KARKAT: AT FIRST I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING OF IT.
KARKAT: LIKE I JUST FIGURED THAT YOUR PLANET WAS SUCH A SAFE, BORING PLACE TO GROW UP THAT OBVIOUSLY IT WOULD TURN OUT AN ENTIRE RACE OF THE BIGGEST WEENIES PARADOX SPACE HAD EVER SEEN.
JOHN: obviously.
KARKAT: RIGHT! BUT THAT DIDN'T EXPLAIN WHY ROSE AND JADE SEEMED TO BE ABLE TO PULL THEIR HEADS OUT OF THEIR RESPECTIVE HUMAN ASSES IF THE SITUATION DEMANDED IT HARD ENOUGH, SO IN THE END IT WAS ONLY HUMAN MALES WHO ASCENDED TO THE LAST, VERTIGINOUS TIER OF ULTIMATE WEENIEHOOD.
JADE: i think.... i am choosing to take that as a compliment
JADE: so thank you karkat :D
KARKAT: SEE WHAT I MEAN?
KARKAT: ALSO YES, YOU'RE WELCOME.
JOHN: pfft!
KARKAT: BUT THEN LATER, AFTER STUDYING A MASSIVE LIBRARY OF ARCHIVED HUMAN SOCIOLOGICAL FOOTAGE, I--
DAVE: dude
DAVE: just say that you spent the whole three year trip out here watching romcoms
DAVE: the awfuler the better
KARKAT: OH?
KARKAT: BUT WHY WOULD I REPEAT MYSELF, DAVE?
KARKAT: ANYWAY, AFTER GETTING THROUGH SEVERAL HUNDRED EXAMPLES OF HUMAN ROMANCE FILMS, PLUS A NUMBER OF ENLIGHTENING CONVERSATIONS I HAD WITH THE TWO HUMAN PRIMARY SOURCES AVAILABLE,
KARKAT: THE TRUE NATURE AND COMPLEXITY OF THE EARTH HUMAN ROMANTIC SYSTEM SLOWLY CAME INTO FOCUS BEFORE ME.
KARKAT: I MEAN.
KARKAT: OKAY.
KARKAT: I'M STILL WORKING OUT SOME OF THE FINER DETAILS?
KARKAT: BUT I COULD EXPLAIN THE BASIC THEORY IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.
JOHN: oh man, yes!
JOHN: this sounds amazing.
JADE: seconded!
JADE: because......
JADE: i have always wanted to know why john is a weenie!! ;P
JOHN: hahaha!
KARKAT: WOW, UH. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D BE SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS?
KARKAT: MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN THAT YOUR CURRENT UNDERSTANDING OF HUMAN LOVE AS ONE-QUADRANT SYSTEM IS AN OUTRAGEOUS AND FARCICAL SIMPLIFICATION?
KARKAT: AND THAT IT WOULD TAKE A MEMBER OF A SPECIES WITH A FULLY DEVELOPED EMOTIONAL MODEL TO RECOGNIZE THE BASIC ATOMIC COMPONENTS OF YOUR ROMANTIC DRIVE.
JOHN: yes, that is probably it.
KARKAT: WELL THEN, OKAY.
KARKAT: FIRST OF ALL, UNLIKE MAMMALS ON ALTERNIA, YOUR SPECIES ONLY REPRODUCES HETEROSEXUALLY. WHICH STILL SEEMS DUMB TO STRIKE OUT HALF OF THE POTENTIAL PARTNERS IN THE GENE POOL, BUT WHATEVER.
KARKAT: SO IT MAKES SENSE THAT THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE OF HUMAN CULTURE WOULD ENCOURAGE, IF NOT MANDATE, HETEROSEXUAL ROMANTIC PAIRINGS.
KARKAT: AND INDEED, IN THE HUMAN MOVIES I WATCHED, THE FINAL PAIRING IS ALWAYS, PREDICTABLY, A COMMITTED RED RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE.
KARKAT: EVEN IN THE FEW CASES WHERE IT SEEMS THAT THE CORE MALE-FEMALE RELATIONSHIP IS BUILT ON A FOUNDATION OF HEALTHY COMPETITIVENESS, THIS IS TREATED AS TRANSGRESSIVE AND BY THE END OF THE MOVIE VACILLATES INTO A STABLE REDROM PAIR!
KARKAT: HUH. I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THIS BEFORE, BUT MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOUR MOVIE TITLES AREN'T VERY DESCRIPTIVE, SINCE THE PLOTS ALWAYS END THE SAME WAY?
DAVE: no thats not why
DAVE: using an entire movie script as a title is nonsense is why
JADE: um
JADE: thats an interesting observation karkat but...
JADE: humans have other types of relationships too!
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
KARKAT: THE POTENTIAL SAME SEX RELATIONSHIPS IN YOUR ROMCOMS ARE OFTEN DRAWN TOGETHER ALONG THE BLACKROM AXIS, BUT SINCE YOUR CULTURE PROMOTES HETEROSEXUAL ROMANTIC PAIRINGS ONLY, THEIR CALIGINOUS ENERGY MUST BE SUBLIMATED INTO A COMPETITION FOR THE AFFECTIONS OF AN ELIGIBLE MATESPRIT.
KARKAT: AND ONCE THE PROTAGONIST OF THE FILM SUCCESSFULLY "WINS" THEIR RED INTEREST, DO THEY THEN TURN AROUND AND CONSUMMATE THE BLACK RELATIONSHIP AS WELL, THUS CLOSING THE SQUARE OF THEIR QUADRANTS?
KARKAT: NO THEY DON'T! THE COMPETITION IS SIMPLY OVER, AND THEIR POTENTIAL KISMESIS IS USUALLY JUST REMOVED FROM THE STORY ALL TOGETHER!
KARKAT: AS A CINEMATIC TROPE, IT'S VERY ANTI-CLIMATIC, AND... AND...
DAVE: frustrating
KARKAT: YEAH. THAT.
DAVE: heh
JOHN: hmm. these are fascinating movie reviews from an alien, but how does any of that make me a weenie?
KARKAT: I'M GETTING TO THAT.
KARKAT: SEE... FROM MY OBSERVATIONS, RED ROMANCE APPEARS TO BE THE STANDARD INSTINCTUAL PRINCIPLE IN PLAY BETWEEN HUMAN HETEROSEXUAL COUPLES. IN FACT, IN MY DISCUSSIONS ON THE MATTER WITH DAVE AND ROSE THEY CLAIMED NOT TO EVEN BE CAPABLE OF BLACKROM!
DAVE: bro of course i claimed that
DAVE: its cause we arent
KARKAT: YOU THINK YOU AREN'T.
KARKAT: BUT ACCORDING TO MY THEORY, THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY BECAUSE YOUR SPECIES LACKS THE REQUISITE VILE HUMOURS. IF I'M RIGHT, HUMANS FEEL ROMANTIC HATRED JUST FINE... BUT ONLY WITHIN HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS.
DAVE: oh my god
JADE: wow, um
JADE: uh
JADE: jeez.....
JOHN: hahaha, okay karkat!
KARKAT: YEAH.
KARKAT: I KNEW THIS WOULD PROBABLY BE TOO COMPLICATED AT FIRST.
KARKAT: MAYBE IT WOULD BE EASIER TO EXPLAIN IF I DREW A CHART?
DAVE: no it wont
DAVE: that has never been true