KARKAT: NO, HE'S NOT DEAD!
KARKAT: AND HE'S NOT GOING TO BE, SO TAKE THAT HOPEFUL NECROPHILIAC'S OGLE AND REDIRECT IT AT YOUR OWN WITHERED BULGE!
KARKAT: HE'S... JUST. UM.
KARKAT: SLEEPING.
KARKAT: PEACEFULLY.
KARKAT: HE'S GOING TO BE FINE!
JOHN: he's sleeping peacefully... in a puddle of his own teeth?
JOHN: it's funny, but i was not aware that is a normal place for trolls to take a nap!
KARKAT: YEAH, UH.
KARKAT: THERE MAY HAVE BEEN A VERY MINOR ACCIDENT, INVOLVING A DECENDING SERIES OF TRANSITIONAL SUPPORT PLANES.
KARKAT: BUT WHO CARES! WE'VE GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN MY INABILITY TO STICK ONE FOOT BEHIND THE OTHER.
JOHN: oh my god, did you push sollux down a flight of friendship stairs? hehehehe.
KARKAT: NO.
KARKAT: WHAT?
KARKAT: WHY WOULD I DO THAT.
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE FRIENDSHIP STAIRS?
JOHN: nevermind, it was only a silly thing i said a long time ago to mess with you.
JOHN: although you weren't around when i said it, so i suppose it was only to mess with the version of you i had in my memories.
JOHN: ha ha yeah. you were pretty annoyed in my imagination in the past!
KARKAT: WOW! GEE!
KARKAT: YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT AMAZING COINCIDENCE IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
KARKAT: IT'S LIKE AN INFINITE NUMBER OF TWISTING HORROR TENDRILS HAVE BURROWED INTO THE SLIMY FOLDS OF YOUR NONEXISTENT THINKPAN AND TURNED YOUR MOST TREASURED DREAM INTO TRUE REALITY!
KARKAT: AND ALL OF MY MOST FEVERED DAY TERRORS!
KARKAT: WAIT.
KARKAT: THAT HAS TO BE IT.
JOHN: huh?
KARKAT: I MUST HAVE SLAMMED MY HEAD ON THE WAY DOWN, AND I'M ACTUALLY LYING UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO SOLLUX.
KARKAT: AND YOU ARE A PHANTASM THAT MY BRAIN CREATED TO PUNISH ME FOR BEING SO DISTRACTED BY THE FACT OF OUR IMMINENT MURDERS THAT I TRIPPED OVER LITERAL EMPTY SPACE.
KARKAT: WHEW, I'M GLAD EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE AGAIN FOREVER!
JOHN: hm.
JOHN: i mean, i am pretty sure that i'm the real john, but i will agree it is a hard thing to check for certain.
KARKAT: WELL, LET'S SEE. WERE YOU BROUGHT INTO EXISTENCE SOLELY TO IRRITATE ME?
JOHN: dude, that's what you say about real me!
JOHN: and also every human!
KARKAT: HEY! YOU KNOW WHAT? IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.
KARKAT: FUCK YOU EITHER WAY.
KARKAT: FUCK REAL YOU, AND FUCK IMAGINARY YOU, AND FUCK EVERY JOHN EGBERT IN A GIANT JOHN FUCK PILE!
KARKAT: EITHER YOU'RE ACTUALLY PRESENT BY SOME HERETOFORE CONCEPTUALLY PREPOSTEROUS MOUNTAIN OF HORSESHITTERY OR, THE MORE LIKELY SCENARIO, MY PAN GOOP IS SLOPPING FROM ITS CASE ONTO THE FLOOR
KARKAT: AND I'M HALLUCINATING MY OWN PERSONAL HELL UNTIL I HURRY UP AND MOVE ON TO THE REAL THING ALREADY.
KARKAT: BUT....
KARKAT: IN THE MINUTE CHANCE YOU'RE REALLY HERE...
KARKAT: I NEED YOUR HELP.
KARKAT: HAVE I--
KARKAT: IN YOUR TIMEFRAME, HAVE I TROLLED YOU YET? ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING ON THIS METEOR RIGHT NOW?
JOHN: oh, uh... yeah.
JOHN: yes, i have been informed on the situation.
KARKAT: OK.
KARKAT: OKAY, GREAT.
KARKAT: AND YET FOR SOME REASON YOU'RE CHOOSING TO STAND AROUND GIVING ME A HARD TIME INSTEAD OF DOING SOMETHING USEFUL, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M EVEN PRETENDING I EXPECTED ANYTHING ELSE FROM YOU.
KARKAT: OKAY.
KARKAT: SO.
KARKAT: **AS YOU KNOW**, THIS PLACE IS FULL OF MURDEROUS SHITLORDS RUNNING AROUND ON MURDERSPREES, SO I REALLY NEED YOU TO GO OUT THERE AND MURDER THEM BACK FOR ME.
JOHN: sorry.
JOHN: i can't help you with that.
KARKAT: WHY NOT.
KARKAT: WHY THE MOTHERFUCK NOT, UNLESS YOU'RE HERE TO WATCH MY FINAL--
KARKAT: *DEEP BREATH*
KARKAT: OK. OK! I KNOW YOU HAVE A WACKY ALIEN HANGUP ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE, BUT.
KARKAT: I REALLY NEED THIS, JOHN.
KARKAT: IF I WAS THE ONLY ONE LEFT, FINE! TOSS MY DISMEMBERED CORPSE UP ON THE RUBBISH PILE WHERE IT BELONGS! BUT I'M NOT. I MEAN I HOPE? NO. I CAN'T BE.
KARKAT: AND WHAT ABOUT SOLLUX! WE AT LEAST HAVE TO SAVE SOLLUX!
KARKAT: IF YOU'RE REAL. IF WE WERE EVER REALLY FRIENDS.
KARKAT: PLEASE.
KARKAT: I NEED YOUR HELP.
JOHN: but you don't, though!
KARKAT: YES I DO!
KARKAT: DID YOU MISS THE PART ABOUT THE MURDERS??!!!
JOHN: argh! no, that's not what i meant!
JOHN: of course i wanted to help you! and i did! i fixed all of this! i fixed everything!
JOHN: and it worked! i zapped all over the place and saved you and your friends and my friends and we were all set to live happily ever after!
JOHN: it worked.
JOHN: ...until it didn't.
JOHN: ugh, this is hard to explain. maybe you had to be there?
JOHN: which you were.
JOHN: or... you would have been will be there?
KARKAT: EGBERT I SWEAR TO THE MOTHER GRUB'S SLIMY FLAGGELLAL CLUTCH...
JOHN: the point is, this one's on you, buddy.
JOHN: i can't be the one who fixes it.
JOHN: but that's alright! you've got this!
KARKAT: HOW?
KARKAT: WHAT DO I DO?
JOHN: i have no fucking clue.
JOHN: you'll figure it out.
JOHN: ...unless you don't? and you end up on another doomed timeline where everyone dies?
JOHN: um.
JOHN: maybe don't think about that.
KARKAT: THANKS!
KARKAT: THAT'S
KARKAT: JUST
KARKAT: SUPER
KARKAT: HELPFUL!
KARKAT: SO YOU'RE OFFICIALLY HERE JUST TO MOCK ME FOR TAKING A FACEPLANT DOWN THE STAIRS?
KARKAT: YOU COULDN'T HAVE SHAT YOURSELF INTO BEING TWENTY SECONDS SOONER AND MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW, WARNED ME?
JOHN: karkat, there is no one in any universe who has not been adequately warned about stairs.
JOHN: we both know this to be true.
JOHN: but anyway, i didn't get a chance to give you something earlier, while i was handing them out.
JOHN: and this looks like a good time...
KARKAT: WHAT IS IT? A WEAPON?
KARKAT: IS IT CLOWN SEEKING MISSILES?
KARKAT: IT HAD BETTER FUCKING BE CLOWN SEEKING MISSILES, BECAUSE OTHERWISE I'LL HAVE TO PAUSE TO INVENT BRAND NEW WORDS FOR HOW AMAZINGLY NOT IN THE MOOD I AM FOR A FUN TREASURE QUEST BEFORE I CAN PROPERLY COMMENCE TELLING YOU WHAT A SHITHEAD YOU ARE.
KARKAT: AND NOBODY HAS TIME FOR THAT.
KARKAT: BUT....
KARKAT: JOHN.
KARKAT: UH.
KARKAT: HEY!
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?