KARKAT: I WAS CONFUSED ABOUT THAT TOO, AT FIRST.
KARKAT: I THINK IT'S WHY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO WORK OUT THE UNDERLYING RULES?
KARKAT: BUT EVENTUALLY I REALIZED THAT YOU HAD A THIRD TYPE OF ROMANCE, ONE RESERVED ONLY FOR GIRL-GIRL PAIRINGS.
KARKAT: AND THIS ONE IS UNDERSTOOD TO BE AN IMPORTANT, FATED CONNECTION.
KARKAT: IN RETROSPECT, THE MOVIES WORK PRETTY DAMN HARD TO ESTABLISH THAT.
KARKAT: LIKE, MAYBE THE TWO OF THEM HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER SINCE THEIR LATE JUVENILE SCHOOLFEEDING DAYS, BUT WHEN THEY MEET AGAIN AS ADULTS THEY PICK THINGS RIGHT THE FUCK BACK UP AS THEY WERE PUT DOWN.
KARKAT: AND EVEN IF THEY ONLY MEET DURING THE OPENING ACTS OF THE FILM, THEY'RE USUALLY STILL TOGETHER AT THE END.
KARKAT: ANYWAY! IT'S POSSIBLE THAT THIS IS A BIZARRE ALIEN QUADRANT THAT DOESN'T MAP ONTO OUR SYSTEM, BUT IT SEEMS TO BE BEST UNDERSTOOD AS A VACILLATION BETWEEN THE BLACK AND PALE QUADRANTS, RATHER THAN THE STANDARD BLACK/RED CYCLE.
KARKAT: STANDARD FOR TROLLS AT LEAST.
KARKAT: BLACK/PALE VACILLATION IS RARE FOR US. WHICH IS FUCKING LUCKY, BECAUSE IT'S EXTREMELY DISRUPTIVE.
KARKAT: IT ALWAYS LEADS TO A TOTAL DISSOLUTION OF THE PAIR'S OTHER RELATIONSHIPS, UNLESS THEY CAN FIND A REALLY, REALLY GOOD AUSPISTICE.
KARKAT: BUT I GUESS IT *IS* THE STANDARD FOR HUMAN GIRLS?
KARKAT: I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME IMAGINING HOW THAT WORKS, TO BE HONEST.
JOHN: yeah, uh. i think you are not alone on that.
JADE: karkat... :T
JADE: what you are describing isnt a type of romance that we have
JADE: between any genders
KARKAT: OF COURSE IT IS.
KARKAT: YOU EVEN HAVE A NAME FOR THE HUMAN GIRL QUADRANT, ALTHOUGH IT'S SO SIMILAR TO THE TROLL WORD FOR "HATEFRIEND" I DIDN'T NOTICE FOR A WHILE.
JOHN: okay, i will grant that frenemies are a thing, maybe?
JOHN: i've never had one but.......
DAVE: well you wouldnt would you
DAVE: being the prime weenie and all
JOHN: yes, thank you dave. that is totally a good point that someone on my side of the argument would make.
JOHN: but aren't frenemies supposed to be platonic, i.e.... not romantic at all?
KARKAT: HOLY CRAP, WHY ARE HUMANS CONSTANTLY SO QUICK TO DEVALUE PLATONIC ROMANCE?!
KARKAT: DO YOU THINK YOUR MATESPRIT HAS A BIGGER IMPACT ON YOUR LIFE THAN YOUR MOIRAIL?
KARKAT: HA, IS WHAT I SAY TO THAT HILARIOUS JEST!
KARKAT: FUCKING HA!
KARKAT: EVEN PLATONIC COMPETITION WOULD HAVE FORCED YOU GRUB FISTED STOOGES TO FIGURE OUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR BULGE AND YOUR SHAME GLOBES!
KARKAT: BUT THAT THEORY DOESN'T EXACTLY ACCOUNT FOR ROSE LALONDE'S CHOICE OF SLOPPY INTERSPECIES MAKEOUT PARTNERS SO....?????
DAVE: no hold up
DAVE: you think rose is frenemy dating kanaya
DAVE: what the fuck
KARKAT: KANAYA WAS PRETTY MESSED UP ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE.
KARKAT: WERE THEY DATING? WERE THEY NOT DATING? HAD KANAYA ACCIDENTALLY PALE ZONED HERSELF? HAD SHE ACCIDENTALLY GIVEN DEEP OFFENSE TO ROSE'S HONOUR?
KARKAT: I ACTUALLY CONSIDERED, UM.
KARKAT: STEPPING IN.
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH THEY SEEM TO HAVE WORKED THINGS OUT NOW SO I DON'T KNOW? MAYBE SINCE HUMANS DON'T PRODUCE THE SAME CONCUPISCENT HORMONES AS US ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER SO MUCH IF THEY'RE IN ROMANTIC ALIGNMENT?
KARKAT: LIKE I SAID, I'M STILL WORKING OUT THE DETAILS.
DAVE: i thought before i wanted this conversation to end the most i could ever want anything but no it keeps getting more horrible somehow
KARKAT: SORRY, THAT'S MY FAULT.
KARKAT: FITTING INTERSPECIES RELATIONSHIPS INTO BOTH OF OUR ROMANTIC SYSTEMS IS A WAY MORE ADVANCED TOPIC THAN YOU'RE READY FOR.
KARKAT: I KNOW! JUST THINK ABOUT ROSE AND JADE!
JADE: think WHAT about rose and jade??!!
JOHN: rose and jade aren't dating!
JOHN: ...unless there is something you would like to tell me, jade?
JADE: i had never even met rose in person until we arrived in our guardians session!
KARKAT: BUT THE POTENTIAL WAS THERE!
KARKAT: THAT WAS OBVIOUS EVEN WHEN WE WERE DUMB KIDS FUCKING WITH YOU GUYS OVER TROLLIAN.
KARKAT: REMEMBER HOW ROSE LIKED TO PRETEND THAN SHE KNEW EVERYTHING?
KARKAT: NOT THAT ANYTHING HAS CHANGED THERE...
KARKAT: BUT SHE COULD NEVER FIGURE YOU OUT! IT FRUSTRATED THE SHIT OUT OF HER! I COULD TELL!
KARKAT: OF COURSE, THAT WAS BEFORE I DEVELOPED A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF HUMAN QUADRANTS, SO WE WOULD JUST DISCUSS IT IN TERMS OF CALIGINOUS TENSION, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT DIDN'T QUITE FIT.
KARKAT: WELL SURE, YEAH, I DISCUSSED THE SITUATION WITH A FRIEND WHO SHARED MY INTEREST IN THESE THINGS. I WANTED TO SEE IF HE AGREED WITH ME ON THE NATURE OF THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOU.
JADE: this friend was the creepy asshole guy wasnt it
DAVE: you just described all his friends
JADE: the one with purple text who types like an annoying jerk!!
DAVE: yeah still not narrowing it down
JOHN: karkat... were you and your troll buddies SHIPPING jade and rose?
KARKAT: OF COURSE NOT!
KARKAT: WE WERE MERELY DISCUSSING OUR OBSERVATIONS ABOUT SOME BIZARRE HORNLESS ALIENS TO SEE IF WE COULD FIGURE OUT WHY EVERYTHING THEY WERE DOING WAS SO FUCKING TERRIBLE!!!
KARKAT: AND YES, I PERSONALLY THOUGHT THERE WAS SOME DEFINITE BLACK CHEMISTRY BUT--
JOHN: that's so rude!
JOHN: we don't hate-ship our friends, karkat! i guess you somehow missed that rule in all of your human studies, but i hope you are noting it down.
JOHN: and rose is dating kanaya now!
JOHN: you're not supposed to think about things like that!
KARKAT: WHY IS "IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT CONTEXT" SO IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND. IS IT BECAUSE YOU ARE A MORON?
JADE: thats it!!!!
JADE: this is just too much bullshit for me karkat
JADE: im taking back my vote! daves right.... its time for this conversation to be over
KARKAT: THAT'S COOL, I WOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING RIGHT AWAY.
KARKAT: IT'S ASKING A LOT FOR YOU TO COMPLETELY RE-EXAMINE THE FUNDAMENTAL BASIS OF YOUR ROMANTIC SYSTEM, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN YOU WERE EVER CAPABLE OF REALIZING.
KARKAT: FUCK, YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A WORD FOR THE RAW CONCEPT OF BLACKROM.
KARKAT: NO WONDER IT TOOK AN ALIEN TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT FOR YOU!
DAVE: jade changed her vote its two against one
DAVE: why are you still talking
KARKAT: NO, IT'S TWO AGAINST TWO.
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU THINK JOHN?
JOHN: now that i know this is what you were thinking about humans, an angry rant that you have at me later makes more sense.
JOHN: or at least, is complete nonsense in a different way.
KARKAT: A RANT ABOUT WHAT?
JOHN: you'll see!
KARKAT: WELL SHIT, I'M ENLIGHTENED! I GUESS I'LL JUST GO AHEAD AND LOOK FORWARD TO THAT THEN!
JOHN: as you should. it was amazing.
JOHN: but also... hm.
JOHN: do you really still think i should marry rose?
KARKAT: NO! WHAT?
KARKAT: HOW ARE YOU SO DUMB!
KARKAT: FUCK THAT, HOW AM I SO DUMB THAT I THOUGHT THERE WAS EVEN A TINY SQUEEK BEAST'S BARF TRAIL OF A CHANCE YOU IDIOTS COULD BE TAUGHT ANYTHING!
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M CHANGING MY VOTE TOO. WHOOHOO! TIE BREAKER!
KARKAT: LECTURE OVER!!!!